frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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