Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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