He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
