thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
