so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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