I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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