He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
