ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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