When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
