i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
