just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
