mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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