I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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