i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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