i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
