what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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