So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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