The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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