my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
