And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
