Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
