Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
