I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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