If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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