You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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