fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize