sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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