I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
