you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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