next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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