Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
