Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
