My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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