Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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