If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
