I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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