if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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