that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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