my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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