She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
birth control should be required to get into college
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
