Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
