Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
