I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize