Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
