No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
