Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Of course I have a pirate flag
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
