bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
