Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
