Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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