So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
