I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
