We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize