my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize