You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
