I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
