So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You are a genius and a whore.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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