i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
