so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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