And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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