I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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